


L'Homme Fatale

by AnieExol998



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Kim Jongin | Kai-centric, Non-Graphic Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 04:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12449739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnieExol998/pseuds/AnieExol998
Summary: Do not reuse, edit or copy any portion of my works. Copyright © 2017Pairings: Jongin/Kai x Reader1/1Sometimes we meet the right person and have the best of moments with them, simply at the wrong time.L’Homme Fatale(Deadly Man): Is a stock character of a mysterious and seductive man whose charms ensnare his lovers often leading them into compromising, dangerous or even deadly situations. He is an archetype of literature. Also the masculine form of a Femme Fatale(Deadly Woman).





	L'Homme Fatale

You were sitting in your best friends room while she pestered you about last nights events. You rolled your eyes at her and pushed her away making her laugh at your sudden shy behaviour. Last night you went out clubbing to celebrate graduating. You went alone since Mel couldn’t go with you but you had the time of your life. You were finally an adult and it felt freeing so you had a few drinks too much getting a bit too tipsy to know exactly what you were doing. Your mind trailed off thinking of him. His plump lips lighting your skin on fire making you lose all sense of reality, getting lost in the moment. His eyes were clear in your mind despite all the alcohol that was in your system at the time. His soft hands leaving a lingering feeling on your skin despite the shower you had this morning. The thoughts made you shiver and smile to yourself before Mel pulled you out of your thought flailing her arms in your face. 

You looked at her as she watched you expecting an answer, her eyebrows raised in anticipation as she waited. You sighed, a laugh escaping your lips before you cleared your mind, trying to concentrate on something else and not the mystery guy from last night. “Mel, it was the best night of my life, by far. You should’ve seen him. The way he moved on the dance floor so effortlessly. He had the most peculiar shade of deep brown eyes and those lips. I have never seen more kissable lips in my life.” You spoke lost in the picture of him in your mind hearing Mel chuckled beside you.

“Whoa, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were in love. How was he though? In bed I mean.” 

Mel continued to pry her eyes sparkling with excitement. She was always the wilder one between the two of you. Always having fun and living in the moment until she found a boyfriend about six months ago. You could tell she missed just having fun with no strings attached hence her wanting to know every detail of your hook up. It made you shake your head at her and laugh. 

“He was so incredible, so much so that I’m questioning if I just imagine it all. Do you believe in love at first sight?” You questioned your friend noticing how she made a face at your remark and looked at you as if you were crazy. 

“You’re insane. There’s no such thing. Lust at first sight; yes but not love. Besides, I think if it was anything it was love at first shag, wouldn’t you say?”

Mel said playfully making you hit her with a pillow while you laughed along. It did seem mad to fall in love at first sight but you knew you wanted to see him again, hoping it might lead to something more. It was a crush for sure though, that much you knew. “ What is his name anyway?” You heard Mel ask and you froze, your eyes widening as a gasp left your lips. Mel seemed to know why and she started to laugh loudly, her eyes shut tight making you frown at her. 

“I can’t believe you forgot his name. Bless your heart.” 

Mel mocked and you looked down feeling your cheeks burn from embarrassment. How could you forget his name when everything else was still so vivid and fresh in your mind? Every touch and kiss was burnt into your memory yet his name slipped away. If you had a pen and paper you could draw his face perfectly, every line and blemish but you couldn’t remember his name to save your life. You groaned and shook your head as Mel stood up still laughing but trying to contain it upon seeing your sour facial expression. 

“Let’s go downstairs my forgetful little puppy.” 

Mel joked making you roll your eyes but follow her to the living room, remembering her mention that her boyfriend would be coming over to watch a movie with you and Mel. You haven’t met him yet so you were very curious to see who was the guy that made Mel start dating in the first place. 

“I can’t wait for you to meet him, you’ll love him. He’s amazing.” 

Mel gushed over her boyfriend while you sat on the sofa, your mind going back to the mystery man that made you feel pure bliss last night. You sighed looking through your phone hoping you’d find a new contact but there was nothing. You pursed your lips throwing your phone next to you making Mel giggle at your sour mood.

“Oh come on (Y/N), I’m sure you’ll meet someone. Why don’t you go on a date with that guy from the coffee shop down the road? Mike is it? He is crazy about you.” 

Mel suggested making your expression morph into a disgusted one as you shook your head violently just thinking about it. 

“Mark and no, are you insane? He’s a creep! Last time I saw him he told me the hour and minute I was born. Like, how does someone find that out? No way!” 

You protested, shivers going down your spine at the thought of Mark. You brushed the feeling away as the doorbell rang, signalling Mel’s boyfriend had arrived. She ran for the door like her tail was on fire making you chuckle to yourself as you waited for the happy couple to walk in. You heard Mel squeal followed by a kissing sound making you gag from how loud the sound was but it also made you happy how lovestruck Mel seemed to be, for the first time in her life. 

“Not now my friend is here. I want you to meet her.” 

You heard Mel’s voice followed by a sigh that made you stop what you were doing and look up, your eyes wide as he came into view. You stopped breathing, the only sound in your head being the beating of your heart in your ears and Mel’s fading voice. You locked eyes with him, the events of last night flashing behind your eyes like a kaleidoscope of memories, your throat closing up as panic and anxiety took over your body. It was him. Your mystery guy was Mel’s boyfriend. You stood frozen in your spot your eyes travelling from his eyes to his lips and then back to his eyes that widened a fraction as if realisation finally hit him. 

Mel’s hand dragging you to him snapped you out of your trance as you cleared your throat trying to look somewhat unaffected although you knew he noticed your shock and recognised you. Thankfully Mel was oblivious to the whole thing, only caring about you meeting her boyfriend unaware that you already knew him. You knew him far too well, more than a friend of his girlfriend should, but you tried to go along anyway. 

“(Y/N), this is my amazing boyfriend Kai and Kai this is my lovely best friend (Y/N).” 

Mel said sweetly, a ball of guilt pressing against your chest slowly growing bigger the more you looked at the two of them. As you looked at her then at Kai, you faked a small smile and extended your hand for him to shake. He straightened himself up and shot you a big smile, shaking your hand. You felt electricity shoot up your arm at the feeling of your hand in his, his smile making your knees feel weak while your brain screamed at you to snap out of it. This was wrong. Your feelings were wrong because your friend, your best friend was dating the guy you slept with and had a crush on. 

“Pleasure to meet you (Y/N).” 

His voice made your heartbeat quicken but you swallowed the feeling down and nodded at him, not trusting your voice knowing it’d come out strained and shaky. You pulled your hand from his going to sit on the couch, trying to look as comfortable as possible. All you wanted to do was go home and scream in your pillow frustrated at how unlucky you were, but you couldn’t do that. Mel wanted you to meet Kai and get to know him and if you bolted out she would probably think it was suspicious, so you stayed hoping Kai wouldn’t try to start up a conversation with you. 

“Don’t mind her, she isn’t usually like this. She gets grumpy when she has a hangover.” 

Mel whispered to him but you heard it, having the impulse to smack her to make her shut up. Kai knew you had a hangover, he was part of the reason you had it in the first place. Competing who could drink more shots was how you met Kai. That competition lead you to end up in the backseat of his car with his naked body on top of yours. The more you thought about your choices the guiltier you felt. What made the guilt grow even more was the picture in your mind from last night as you looked over at him. You, unknowingly helped your best friends boyfriend cheat on her. You started fidgeting with your fingers, pulling at your sweater trying to block the two of them out and concentrate on the movie but when he sat next to you pulling Mel into his chest, you felt your own chest tighten upon feeling his warmth radiating onto you. 

It was halfway through the movie when Mel got up saying she wanted popcorn. You said you didn’t want anything, feeling like you may vomit if you ate anything, Kai’s presence making you feel every emotion all at once. When Mel got up and left for the kitchen you felt Kai’s gaze on the side of your face but you wouldn’t dare look at him, feeling like the smallest action would expose you to Mel and you didn’t want to lose your friend over a one night stand. Suddenly you felt his hand on your thigh, slowly moving upwards making your breath hitch and your eyes widen. You were frozen in your spot, your brain screaming at you to push his hand away but your body wasn’t listening to you. You felt like putty below his touch, every muscle in your body shutting down as your breathing increased. You soon felt his breath on your cheek, his nose against the side of your head as he whispered.

“I hoped I’d see you again, babe.” 

 

 

It’s been six months since Mel introduced you to Kai and six months since you started falling for him. You took your shirt off the ground pulling it over your head before looking over your shoulder seeing a shirtless Kai smirking back at you. You wanted to slap that smirk off his face but over the months you became weaker and weaker when it came to Jongin so you smiled instead, your chest feeling heavy as if someone was sitting on it, preventing you from breathing normally. You turned around pulling your jeans on and sighing before taking your bag and putting your shoes on wanting to get out as fast as you could. It felt so wrong sleeping with your best friend’s boyfriend but when he suggested the idea you couldn’t refuse. You tried to, of course, multiple times at that, but after a month or so he convinced you to have an affair with him. No strings attached and Mel never had to know. 

You thought it would just stay a crush and your feelings wouldn’t grow but the more time you spent with him the deeper you fell. It’s been four months since you admitted your feeling for him to yourself. It felt as if the entire world was on your shoulders but you ignored it hoping him giving you his body would be enough. It didn’t take long for you to realise that wouldn’t ever be enough for you but you couldn’t find the strength to break it off. You hoped that he may develop feelings for you and want a real relationship with you one day. That thought made you feel like the worst person in the world, wishing your best friends boyfriend fell in love with you and left her for you. It made you feel dirty so every time after you’d sleep with Kai you’d take an hour long shower trying to scrub the mistakes away, knowing full well you’ll repeat them the very next day. Even so, you couldn’t get yourself to tell him the 2am visits had to stop. Partly because the sex was amazing but mostly because you saw how sweet he could get when he was with Mel. 

You spent a lot of time with the happy couple noticing small things he did that made him the perfect boyfriend. He would absentmindedly make circles on Mel’s back whenever he saw her get uncomfortable about something, trying his best to make her feel better. He seemed to have the need to touch her at all times. Not in a perverted way but rather in a sweet romantic way. Holding her hand or playing with her hair or even resting his hand on her knee without much thought. He was always touching her and everytime you noticed a small part of you would crumble away, to which fact he was oblivious to. When Mel was in the room, she was all he saw, you becoming nothing more than another face in the crowd while Mel became the biggest attraction in his eyes. Only after midnight would you become something he craved for. You knew he craved your body. He was attracted to your body and he wanted it desperately. But that’s all he really wanted; your body. Not your feelings and your heart. Those meant nothing to him, he wanted that from Mel, not you. It made you feel that much more pathetic to love him as much as you did. Every night with him leaving you with another broken piece of yourself; leaving those parts in his hands to do with them what he wants to. You felt less and less like yourself the more of yourself you gave to him. It almost felt like he was taking parts of you on purpose, wanting to see how long you’d last before completely falling apart. 

“Oh, I forgot. We can’t meet tomorrow. It’s Mel’s and my one-year anniversary.” 

Crack

You wanted to laugh as you could practically hear the moment his words made another crack in your heart. Another piece falling to the floor at his feet. His words reminding you that he wasn’t yours and you weren’t his. You were just each others’ guilty pleasures, nothing more. His voice made you feel warm inside but his words cut you down, feeling as if you’re free falling by your own will, knowing he’ll take a step back letting you hit the floor, as he should. He had a girlfriend he loved and you both knew it. He didn’t have to care about you. It will be your own fault when you get hurt even more. 

“That’s fine, I can’t make it tomorrow anyway.” 

You spoke, your voice not giving anything away. Over these five months, you learned how to hold everything in until you got home. Crying only the moment you stepped into your apartment, feeling as if someone was burning an iron rod into your heart with Kai’s initials on it, marking your heart each and every time he touched you. You felt his presence behind you as his arms wrapped around your middle, his lips leaving a trail of kisses on your neck making you stifle back a sob knowing it didn’t mean anything. It was becoming too painful to have him hold you and kiss you before showing off his beautiful girlfriend that wasn’t you. He hurt you every time he’d kiss you or touch you but he was the only one who could make you lose yourself in your fantasy, even if for only a few hours. 

“I have a date.” 

You said calmly prying his hands off of you as you took your coat, your body feeling cold without his arms around you but you pushed that feeling down, at least until you got home. You went to open the door but before you could walk out Kai’s hand stopped you pulling your back against his chest, his lips right above your ear, his breathing compelling you to close your eyes on instinct and sigh as you felt yourself melt into his touch. 

“A date? Since when do you date?” 

His voice was quiet and serious, his tone sending shivers up your spine, his fingers slipping under your shirt as he squeezed your waist. The action made you let out a moan making him hum in response while he nuzzled his face into your neck, bitting the skin making you wince but you couldn’t pull away. Not when there was a constant pull whenever you were around him making you unable to resist him no matter how deadly he may be. However, you found the strength in you to pull away the slightest bit, looking up at him seeing something different about his facial expression; his eyes had something behind them that you couldn’t read. You sighed and shook his hands off looking at the mirror hoping Kai didn’t leave a mark on your neck. 

“Afraid your date will see the mark I made?” 

His voice seemed to hold some kind of pride laced with a mocking tone making you frown and shake your head not wanting to question him about it or fight with him. You had no right to ask him anything and neither was he. That wasn’t the arrangement. It was strictly physical and you need to stick to that. 

“I can date if I want to. I have to go now. Bye Kai.” 

Your voice came out a bit harsher than you expected and he noticed pulling you back, pushing you against the door a frown on his face making him look slightly intimidating but you knew better than to be scared of Kai. His face came closer to yours, his nose touching yours as he leaned down kissing you aggressively like he was trying to make some kind of a point but it flew right over your head as you tried your hardest not to kiss back and for the first time you succeeded making him glare at you, a possessive look in his eyes. 

“With who?” 

He said through gritted teeth before his lips went to kiss down your jaw, sucking on the skin of your collarbone. All you wanted to do was give into him and let him do whatever he pleased with you but if you stayed any longer you would lose it and you couldn’t afford Kai seeing you cry. So you tried pushing him away but he wasn’t listening.

“Kai, l-let go of me.” 

You said shakily and the moment the words left your lips he pulled away looking at you with shock written all over his face. You looked away from him hearing him click his tongue and sigh almost sadly but you pushed that possibility aside as you heard him speak.

“You never say no to me….” 

His voice faded at the end, disbelief laced with anger in his voice. You flinched at his words, feeling even smaller knowing that you, in fact, had never said no to him. You never rejected him which made you feel even more pathetic if that was even possible. 

“There’s a first time for everything I guess.” 

You whispered afraid your voice would break if you said it any louder. You cautiously looked up at Kai seeing an unreadable expression framing his face making him look like you’ve never seen him before. It made your stomach drop as you took your bag from his hands but he wouldn’t let go making you sigh. 

“Did I do something wrong? What did I do?” 

He asked his grip tight on your bag, having no plans to let go of it until you answered him. You shook your head pulling at your bag which only made him scowl at you and take your wrist into his hand harshly, pulling you closer. What did I do? His question almost made you want to laugh and cry at the same time. It was tragic and comical how much he didn’t sense the irony of his question. 

“You did nothing, Kai. Why are you acting this way? You’re not my boyfriend.” 

Your words made him stiffen up, his eyes widening for a second as he stared at you, both of you unmoving. If you didn’t know any better you’d say he looked almost hurt from your words. The thought made you chuckled quietly which only made him frown at you even more. You sighed and tried to tug your wrist away from his grip.

“Kai, I’m not your girlfriend. Mel is.” 

His face turned stone cold the moment you mentioned her name as he dropped you hand moving away from you and shaking his head. You sighed putting your bag over your left shoulder as you slowly opened the door still hoping like an idiot that he’d ask you to stay with him and cuddle. But you didn’t do that. You weren’t there for that. Mel was there for that.

“I asked you; with who?” 

Kai whispered making you turn around to find him looking at the floor his shoulders stiff, firsts clenched before he looked at you and smiled, suddenly seeming like the Kai you always saw. You sighed and faked a smile not noticing how fake his smile was as you spoke.

“Chanayeol.” 

 

 

The days went by without you noticing you haven’t left your flat in ten days. Your back was pressed against the wall, your eyes following the droplets of rain hitting your window, the rain making you feel like it understood you since the storm outside looked how you imagined the storm happening inside of you looked like. The rain was ripping through the autumn leaves before letting them fall to the ground like the memory of his touch was ripping through your soul, this thought only bringing more tears to your eyes. The wind was hitting against your window making you flinch away as you felt the cold wind on your skin seeing the wind blow the window open as the rain started to pour inside staining your white carpet. You sighed and went over to the other window, closing it before feeling the water soak into your socks but you were too out of it to take them off so you just sat down on your sofa, your hands going to rest on your cheeks while you looked at the fireplace, watching as the flames dances around casting a shadow on the floor, the small movements able to take your mind off of Kai and the date you rescheduled because you just simply couldn’t bear to fake smiles and sit through an entire date knowing it won’t change a thing. It will only confirm that no guy is or will ever be quite like Kai. 

Your conscience told you that you shouldn’t look for a guy like Kai but rather look for the very opposite of Kai. Someone who would hold your hand proudly in public, watching you with a loving gaze, as if you were the most beautiful person in the world. Someone who would take you out on normal dates without having to hide inside four walls because he already had a girlfriend. Every rational fibre of your being told you to call Chanyeol and tell him you want to go on that date with him but your heart told you that going on that date meant moving on from Kai, because no matter how much you betrayed your best friend and how big of a homewrecker you were, you still weren’t a cheater. So if you did go on a date with Chanyeol you would close the book that had ‘Kai’ written all over it. Whatever the two of you had would be over and even though you knew that it had to be over, for your own well being, you couldn’t pull the plug on you and Kai. He was detrimental to your mental health and now even your physical health. You knew he was ruining you in every imaginable way yet he was still pulling you in like a magnet. You hadn’t seen Kai in ten days, not after that day in his flat. Being away from him for that long physically hurt you. Every bone and muscle in your body ached for him and his affection that the rational part of you knew wasn’t real yet that didn’t stop you from wanting to call him and tell him to come over. His kisses hurt you and made your throat close up from the tears that were bubbling over but, at the same time, he was the only one who could take that pain away. You knew your thought sounded crazy, even to you but it didn’t top you from clutching your phone in your hands, reading his messages from five days ago. 

| Kai | Monday 3.45am |

When can I see you? 

Can I come over?

Why are you ignoring me?

I want to see you.

I miss you…

 

Your shaky hands held the phone to your chest, your chest feeling as if it would explode the pain almost unbearable. Every second worse than the last. You could hear his voice telling you these words and it made your skin crawl knowing the meaning behind them wasn’t what you wanted it to be. You knew he was just in need of pleasure and nothing more. You hoped to see him at your door, begging for you to let him in, waiting until you’d open the door and then he’d tell you he loved you. Sadly, you knew, at least part of you did, that this wasn’t a fairytale or a Nicolas Sparks movie where they end up together even if everything was against them. If it was, it was one of his tragic movies, the ones you watched the past couple of days, seemingly loving the feeling of suffering. Kai hadn’t sent you a text nor did he call in the last five days, proving to you, for what seemed the millionth time, that you didn’t mean that much to him. Not as much as Mel. Not as much as he meant to you. Not as much as you wished you meant to him. You simply didn’t mean enough. You wanted to be angry with him, to hate him and accuse him of doing this to you. Turning you into this broken girl. A crumbled up piece of paper, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t hate Kai. Not really, not truly. You hated yourself instead, blaming your weak self for giving into him over and over again and letting him drag you along while you fell deeper and deeper with each smile or look directed towards you. A simple smile from Kai would make you feel important like you mattered to someone as good as Kai. Someone too good for you, in every sense of the word. He was important his parents being famous business people. He had the money, the name, the social status, everything. That’s why you thought him and Mel went so well together. She was from a good family just like he was. She was worthy of his open affection while you were only good enough to screw around with in secret. You were from an ordinary family. You weren’t poor but you weren’t filthy rich either. You were shocked that Mel even wanted to be friends with you. You always thought rich people were all full of themselves and snobs, but Mel was different. She became friendly with you not caring that you were ‘less’ than her. She became your best friend fast and she took you to lavishing parties all the time, trying to make you feel as much a part of her lifestyle as she could. She was one of the nicest people you knew so just looking at Kai’s messages and knowing how much you were betraying her made you feel disgusted by yourself. 

Maybe that was what drove you over the edge. The fact that Mel deserved a better friend or maybe it was the picture she posted on Instagram with the caption ‘I love you to the moon and back. #PromiseRing #Love #Forever’ Every word on the screen was like a knife through your heart, the picture above convincing you further of where your place was. Away from Kai, supporting your best friends relationship. It was a picture of her and Kai, his arms draped around her while she sat in his lap showing off the promise ring he gave to her, most likely for their anniversary. Her life seemed nothing short of a fairytale in your yes. She had almost everything. From the outside looking in, it looked perfect. What angered you was that even after he gave her a damn ring, he texted you saying he wanted you and missed you. You screwed your eyes shut, feeling the tears roll down before wiping them away and calling Chanyeol to ask him if you could see each other tonight. Your body was shaking but you knew you had to move on. It was way overdue especially knowing he was one step closer to being engaged. It cut you down right in the middle but you took every bit of strength you had and smiled into the mirror as Chanyeol answered the phone, his deep cheery voice hitting your eardrum making you snap out of your thoughts. 

 

 

You were seated in a fancy restaurant opposite of a well dressed Chanyeol who was smiling brightly back at you. His hair was perfectly parted in the middle, the silver colour shining below the dim lights of the room. You couldn’t deny his handsomeness or that you could be attracted to him if you tried but that was the problem; you had to try. With Kai, it was an automatic attraction. With Kai, you had to try and not be attracted to him and his presence and judging by your thoughts, you were failing at it. Chanyeol cleared his throat before he began talking about a new song he learned to play on the guitar. You noted how adorable he was when he spoke about his passions and then you wondered about Kai and his passions and if he’d look just as adorable when talking about them. Soon enough Chanyeol’s voice became a mere whisper, his words not registering in your brain as you looked right through him unable to concentrate on his words, your mind far away from this place and Chanyeol. You unconsciously tried to get Chanyeol’s face to morph into Kai so you could pretend you were here with Kai and that it wasn’t impossible. 

“Hey, is everything okay?” 

You heard Chanyeol’s voice as you quickly tried to smile and nod before he could tell something was off but judging by his face and soft eyes, it seemed like he caught on as he sighed and put his palm over your hand, gently rubbing your hand with his thumb. You looked up at him but you didn’t move your hand away, knowing that he was being friendly more than anything else. He smiled at you and squeezed your hand as if to show you that you could talk to him if you wanted to. You knew Chanyeol for a while now, meeting him at Mel’s birthday party since he was friends with Kai. He always seemed like a nice goofy guy so when he asked you out you said yes, thinking that it might do some good to be away from Kai. The part of you that told you going out with Kai’s friend would make Kai jealous made your stomach turn as you denied that those were your intentions. 

“You’re thinking of someone. Is it Kai?” 

That made you gasp, your eyes looking at Chanyeol in shock before you averted your gaze, unable to look at him from the shame of someone actually knowing your biggest secret. You questioned if he knew you were sleeping with Kai or if he just noticed you looked at Kai differently. Whichever it was, it wasn’t good that he knew firstly because, the truth, once out, it spreads just like a fire and you couldn’t afford Mel knowing. Secondly, you didn’t want him judging you. You did that yourself enough every single day. You felt Chanyeol tug at your hand making you look at him from the corner of your eyes noticing that look. Pity. It made you angry that it was directed towards you but you knew you looked pitiful but you still didn’t want people giving you that look. It made you feel that much more awful and weak. He cleared his throat and smiled at you before he sat in a chair next to you, putting his arm around your shoulders. 

“I know about you two. I saw your phone one time you left it at his place. That was about two months ago.” 

His words cut through you making you feel smaller under his burning gaze. You bit down on your lip, your eyes shutting close as you felt the tears brought on by self-pity pool behind your eyelids making you curse yourself for being so easily breakable. You felt Chanyeol squeeze your shoulder as he brought you closer to him, both of you ignoring the dessert on the table. His embrace felt somewhat comforting at it didn’t burn like Kai’s but it wasn’t as warm as Kai’s either. Chanyeol was more gentle with you, trying his best not to hurt you which only hurt more knowing Kai would never be like this when it came to you. You opened your eyes looking up at Chanyeol as the first tear fell but Chanyeol’s thump caught it, wiping it away softly, his hand not leaving your cheek. 

“Chanyeol I- if you knew why did you ask me out?” You were genuinely surprised that he would ask you out knowing you were sleeping with someone regularly. He chuckled at your words, his hair falling down his forehead as he shook his head at you. Chanyeol sighed and intertwined your fingers with his long ones looking into your eyes in a caring way that felt more and more platonic each passing second. 

“I like you. You seem nice and I noticed how down you looked for a while so after I found about the Kai situation I thought I’d take you out to get your mind off him. I thought someone like you deserved a proper date and not what Kai gives you.” His words made your heart flutter, not because you liked Chanyeol but because of the words that he used. He thought you deserved more than what Kai had to offer and it made you smile but a numb ache was still thumbing inside your chest knowing that the person you wanted to say this to you never would. Chanyeol’s words also seemed to indicate he liked you which made you feel like a bitch for saying yes to this date. He didn’t deserve to be strung along. You couldn’t do to him what Kai was doing to you. 

“Chanyeol, you’re really nice and sweet but I don’t like you like that, I’m-” 

You began to explain but he hushed you and put his hand up haking his head with a lazy smile on his face. 

“I know you don’t like me. I’m not into you like that either I just thought I should try and get your mind off of the shitty things. I feel like I’m not helping much though, am I…” Chanyeol trailed off noticing how you ended up talking about Kai even though that was the opposite of why he called you on a date. You giggled at his pouty face that reminded you of a puppy. He looked at you with furrowed eyebrow surprised to hear you giggle which made you stop and look at him before you burst out laughing like a madwoman. He looked very confused but he too started to laugh when he saw you having trouble breathing from all the laughter. You didn’t know why exactly you were laughing or why he was laughing, but the pain in your stomach from laughing numbed the pain in your chest, making everything feel lighter for a short amount of time. You wiped your eyes catching your breath before looking at a smiling Chanyeol who was still trying to calm down, his breathing heavy. 

“Why are we laughing?” 

Chanyeol coughed sipping his wine before looking at you as you shrugged not knowing the answer yourself. You smiled at him sipping your cocktail but your heart stopped when you looked behind Chanyeol, your breath getting caught in your throat, your smile dropping and turning into a frown when you locked eyes with Kai. Mel was walking beside him in a pretty black dress laced with gold patterns that made her look like a million dollars making you look down at your simple red dress, feeling underdressed all of a sudden. Chanyeol looked at you confused before turning around seeing what made you freeze up. You heard him sigh as he squeezed your hand tightly as if to assure you that you’ll be fine. You heard Mel’s voice calling your name while dragging Kai behind her with a big smile plastered on her face, happiness radiation off her. You bit the inside of your cheek, waiving at her with the biggest smile you could muster while trying to keep your eyes away from Kai. When they walked over to your table you felt the need to run away, hoping to God they just came to say hi and go on their merry way. 

“Oh my, Chanyeol and (Y/N)? On a date? Am I seeing things?” 

Mel exclaimed overdramatically making you laugh awkwardly pulling your hand away from Chanyeol about to protest and say it wasn’t a date because it wasn’t but Chanyeol pulled you closer to him and smiled at them his voice full of pride as he announced you as his girlfriend knocking the air out of you as you tried to control your shock. Your eyes found Kai’s, his posture stiff while he loosely held Mel’s waist his eyes already looking at you with disbelief. You wanted to laugh at how baffled he looked, your own mind unable to comprehend why he looked so shocked. Did he think you would never go on a date because you were sleeping with him? Did he really think that highly of himself? You frowned at yourself because no matter what he thought, you weren’t on a date and you wanted nothing more than to be alone with him, no matter how much you tried to deny it. You looked down once his gaze became too much for you to take and before you knew it, Mel was asking to sit down saying she missed you and that it would be fun to have a double date. You nodded slowly making her smile big and sit next to Kai on the opposite side of the table. You felt your palms sweat as Chanyeol rested his hand on your knee hoping to calm you down but Kai’s eyes burning into your skin was making that difficult. 

For a while Mel kept the conversation going, asking about you and Chan then talking about her new clothing line proudly saying how Kai will model them for her. It made you sick how jealous you felt every time she would kiss his cheek, her pink lipstick leaving a faint mark on his skin. Your knuckled were clenched by your side trying your hardest not to show how much their closeness affected your emotions. You ordered another drink, this being your fourth one but you didn’t care, you needed something to keep you calm so you wouldn’t burst. When the waiter brought you your drink you smiled and thanked him before taking a sip trying to block out the voices around you as you played with the straw in your glass. After what felt like ages you felt Chanyeol shaking you making you look up seeing Mel push her hand in your face, smiling like a lovestruck idiot showing you the ring she got from him. It killed you. Absolutely wrecked you, ripping any stitches you made over the past few days before it felt like she was pouring salt into your wound just by showing you a stupid piece of jewellery. You hated her for rubbing the fact that she had him in your face but you were well aware that she didn’t know that it hurt you. You were her friend and she thought you’d be happy, so you were. A smile made its way onto your lips as you took her hand examining the ring, ignoring the flames that licked the corners of your heart making it hard to breathe. You smiled, looked up with happy eyes, your eyes falling to Kai for a moment before locking with Mel. You swallowed the tears, squeezed her hand, took a breath and accepted the role of a good friend. 

“It’s beautiful. I’m glad you’re finally happy. You deserve it, Mel. I’m happy for you.” 

Your words were bullshit, you knew it. You wanted her to be happy but not with him. Not with Kai. She deserved happiness but you knew you loved him more and you told you that you deserved him as well. You weren’t happy for her. You wished for what she had and it made you hate yourself. You envied her but this wasn’t about you. It as about Mel. You needed to be her friend so that’s what you were. A best friend happy for her friend. Mel took her hand back and smiled at you before she went to kiss Kai’s cheek yet again, your eyes unable to not look but you were surprised when you saw he was already looking at you, his jaw clenched as Mel kissed him. You gulped looking at Chanyeol for help but you knew he couldn’t get you out of this situation. You sighed and excused yourself going to the restroom Mel trailing behind you telling you how happy she was you too finally found someone. You just nodded and smiled, Mel too happy to notice how unhappy you actually were. You weren’t offended she didn’t notice your mood, you were glad because this way you wouldn’t have to explain anything to her. 

After you realised you couldn’t relax with Mel breathing down your neck you decided to just go back to the table after applying your lipstick. You sighed and walked next to Mel, a loud crashing sound and shouting coming from the main area of the restaurant. You gasped when you saw the commotion was coming from your table, the table turned over as Kai and Chanyeol wrestled on the floor, spewing profanities at each other. Mel screamed in fear while you ran towards them trying to push Kai off of Chanyeol before Kai could kill him. You wrapped your arms around Kai’s bicep putting all your strength into dragging him away while he punched Chanyeol’s face repeatedly, his face red from all the shouting. You finally got to push Kai off of CHanyeol kneeling next to Chanyeol helping him up before you turned towards Kai who was about to lunge towards Chanyeol again but you stood between them your hands on Kai’s chest, keeping him away from Chanyeol who was hissing in pain, his lip cut open. 

“You fucking son of a bitch, Chanyeol! I swear if you-” 

“If I what Kai?! Hmm? Humour me you egocentric self-centred self-absorbed gutless fucking bastard!” 

Chanyeol spat back his eyes shooting daggers at Kai who looked enraged but he wasn’t pushing against your hands anymore, just looked at Chanyeol with a mix of emotions while Chan looked back smirking. You pulled away from Kai, to stand next to Chanyeol and that’s when Kai finally looked at you just as Mel walked over to him, looking at his swollen cheek with worry in her eyes. He ignored her, his eyes boring into yours like he could see inside of your head, reading your mind as if it was an open book. You couldn’t stand the feeling he was giving you so you looked at him coldly, your eyes like daggers making his eyes widen at your gaze. All you wanted to do was take care of his cut-up cheek but you knew he had someone who would do it. You weren’t needed so when the manager of the restaurant came over and told you to leave you sighed in relief, pulling Chanyeol along moving your gaze away from Kai. He looked as if he wanted to say something to you, call after you or stop you from leaving but he didn’t. He sighed and took Mel’s hand in his letting you walk out of the restaurant with Chanyeol. 

 

 

A month later and you were still in that godawful place where you knew you had to move on but you refused to accept it. Every day seemed bleak and colourless. The world seemingly morphing into this black grey colour, perfectly capturing your feelings making you feel like the universe itself was mocking you and your pain. Every little thing irked you and made you feel like everyone and everything was against you. Couples walking hand in hand with smiley faces finding warmth and comfort in each other while you walked alone. Every romantic thing that used to fly over your head, now poked your eyes and made you feel lonelier than you actually were. You were rarely alone if you were being honest. Half of your day was spent at the office writing columns for a magazine and the other half was spent with your colleagues or Chanyeol. You finally believed you were okay and then nighttime comes. That’s the worst; looking at the clock, seeing 3am pass without a phone call from him or a knock on your door. You would barely get three hours of sleep a night, sometimes not even that much. You felt completely and utterly dead inside. Only breathing for the sake of breathing. By this point, you were just about surviving rather than actually living. The only reason you even tried was because Chanyeol wanted you to. You saw no point in hoping for happiness any longer. You simply met him too late and now you wanted more but there’s wasn’t anything more for him to give. 

The drink in your hand felt heavy, your hands too weak to hold it properly as you walked amongst the bodies of people at the party. Chanyeol made you come telling you Mel would be sad if you ditched her party. You being your pain-loving self, came to the party knowing it would break you see him again. After a month without his voice, his touch, his kiss, he almost seemed like a distant dream. Some kind of a fantasy your imagination made up. The only proof making him more than a dream were the messages you re-read every night hoping he’d text you again but he never did. Not one message or phone call. You shook your head walking towards the kitchen when you felt a hand grab you from behind, pulling you up the stairs hurriedly. You struggled against their grip, shouting for help but no one heard you due to the loud music from the party. You began panicking as you felt yourself being pushed into a random room the door slamming shut making you whimper as you turned around to shout at the person that locked you into a room but you lost your voice when you saw Kai looking back at you through his lashes, his gaze intimidating and inviting all at once. You shook your head trying to push past him but he gripped your shoulders tightly pushing you against the wall, his hands holding you in place while you tried to pry him off you. Before you could, however, his lips were on yours, desperately kissing you in a way you never had Kai kiss you before. The emotions he was pouring into the kiss made your chest shake, a sob vibrating against his lips, tears mixing in with the kiss making Kai pull away wide-eyed, searching your eyes thinking he had hurt. Here it was. The moment Kai saw you break right under his shocked and slightly worried gaze. You wanted to hide from his gaze but he was still holding you against the wall, his fingerprints burning your skin making you flinch away but he didn’t react to that at all, his eyes trained on your tearstained cheeks. 

“What’s wrong? Please tell me you’re not stupid enough to cry over Chanyeol kissing that girl downstairs.” 

Kai’s words infuriated you down to your core making you ball your fists as you laughed at him with fresh tears rolling down your cheeks making your eyes burn. You couldn’t believe how oblivious and hypocritical he actually was. Anger took over your body completely, your fists connecting with his chest repeatedly, trying to hurt him as much as you could. At least half as much as he made you hurt. You kept hitting him, broken sobs escaping from your lips but it was too late to feel embarrassed about how pathetic you looked crying in front of Kai. Kai hissed for you to stop while trying to keep your hand from punching him. He grasped your wrists making you stop as you looked at him, confusion was written all over his face mixed in with what looked like pain, in your mind his pain was nothing compared to your pain. Not even close. Kai went to hug you but you pushed him off, shaking your head, hugging your sweater closer to you trying to shield yourself from him. You locked eyes with him, trying to hold your ground. You couldn’t give into him this time. You wouldn’t. He took a step towards you making you automatically take a step away, sadness flashing over his face at your action. 

“Whatever it is, I can fix it. I’ll make you forget about it all. I know you want me. I miss the fun we had.” 

His hand took yours clutching it tightly, his words coming out confident making you chuckled looking down at your feet. His words hurt. His touch hurt. His warmth made you feel cold and his presence made your walls crumble down. You wished you could fake a smile and kiss him deeply forgetting all the pain but it’s been too long and too painful to keep ignoring it. He hurt you more than healed you. He was killing you. Figuratively and literally, without knowing he was. 

“It hurts, Kai. It hurts…” You whispered, eyes trained on the floor, your guard completely disappearing as you let the tears fall freely, getting all the hurt out for him to see. 

“I can make you feel so good you’ll forget all-”

“You hurt Kai. It’s you. Every kiss and touch and word hurts more each time. Each time I let you in you bring one thousand cracks and there’s no more room for new ones. I can’t keep accepting them like a fool, Kai.”

Your voice was shaking, your frame small and fragile looking. You didn’t have the courage to look at him, but you knew you had to tell him how and what you felt. He has to know how much he’s been hurting you. 

“I never had the courage to say this to you but then I asked myself what do I got to lose? You? It’s funny to even say it. You’re not mine, therefore, I can’t lose you no matter what I say to you now. I can’t keep doing this with you, whatever this is. You’re harming me, Kai, you are and I need to think about myself. I want to have someone I can call mine and that’s not you. You’re Mel’s. I should have stopped this a long time ago.” 

Your voice was shaking, Kai’s hand holding your hand tighter with each word that left your lips. You wiggled your hand, trying to pry his hand away but he growled at you and took your chin in his hand, pulling your head o look at him. His eyes were unreadable but his breathing was heavy, jaw clenched. 

“Mel doesn’t have to know about us, don’t worry about her-” You didn’t let him finish putting your hand over his mouth, looking up at him with teary eyes as you shook your head smiling sadly. 

“There is no us, Kai. There never was.” 

“But I want you so bad.” He whispered resting his forehead against yours making this entire situation harder than you wanted it to be. His breath hit your lips making you wish to kiss him then take it back, but it was too late for last kisses this time around. 

“That’s the thing, Kai. You want me but you need her. You crave my body but you crave her affection. You’re attracted to me but you love her. That wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t need you. It wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t crave your affection. It wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t lo- I can’t say it. These damn words I always meant to say to you, I can’t. I have no right to. You love her, you need her and I’m not her. I’m not Mel. This is wrong. It’s over and done with. I can’t keep doing this. You’re too deadly for me to risk it further.” 

You looked into his eyes and you saw uncertainty in them mixed with tears that coated his waterline breaking your heart further which seemed impossible by this point. You wiped your tears away pulling away from Kai, finally feeling the dreadful feeling of the end of you and Kai. You and Kai? That made you chuckle as if there ever was a ‘you and Kai’. You weren’t apart of his life like Mel was and you were finally admitting it to yourself and to Kai as well. You shook your head trying to shake off this bitter feeling, having to push through it before the feeling crushed you and you completely fell apart. 

“I thought it’d be fun. And it was fun, for a while. Not it just hurts. I know why I’m here. You need my body, not me. That’s what I’m good for when it comes to you. Mel is someone who is worth showing off, and I agree, she is but I’m not. I’m someone who needs to be kept in the shadows. She’s in your class, I simply am now and that’s fine. I know my place but I don’t want to be a secret any longer. I can’t be your secret, Kai. I can’t fall deeper unless I want to hurt myself which I don’t want to anymore.” 

Every word echoed in the silence of the room, hitting you making this seem too real for you. His eyes were wide, body petrified in its place, mouth opening and closing while he looked for the words he wanted to use, coming up short before letting go of your hand, his action saying enough. You nodded, smiling sadly getting the outcome you expected but not the one you had hoped for. Still, you were standing on your feet even if it felt like it was the most difficult thing in the world, you were doing it. You took a deep breath knowing you were still alive. You were still breathing. It didn’t kill you. Finally, after a long silence, you turned your back on Kai and pushed the door open as he finally found his voice.

“(Y/N), wait. I-” 

Silence. 

You turned around and just looked at him seeing him nervously search your face for something comforting but there was nothing to calm him down. He took a step forward then stopped looking down sadly, shaking his head. 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” You asked him, his head snapping towards you as he shook his head walking over to you wearily, not touching you just standing close enough to touch. And how you wanted to touch him, run your finger through his soft hair, kissing his frown away, but it was far too late for that. Everything seemed to be said and done. 

“No, it’s not like that, I want you and me- I’m-” he looked around sighing in defeat his desperation hurting you more than your own. He rubbed his face a tear sliding down his cheek and down his chin. You wanted to brush it away but refrained knowing you didn’t have the right. 

“I’m sorry.” 

You nodded shrugging your shoulders as if to say ‘it is what it is’. You knew deep down he wasn’t an evil person, he wasn’t cunning or vindictive, well not on purpose anyway. He had this talent to draw you in and completely reinvent you, breaking you in ways you never knew possible. Showing you how much you can feel for someone but never giving you enough to be happy. Pulling you in just enough to make you stay one more day. The closest thing to describe him would be a male version of a femme fatale, a homme fatale. A deadly man who doesn’t know the power he had on you. Oblivious to how deadly he actually was. You shook your racing thoughts aside looking at him one last time before walking away, your heart leaping out of your chest, lying crumpled up on the floor right where you left Kai. The pieces of your heart turning into dust at his feet. 

You knew you just ripped your own heart out, ruining yourself completely but you wouldn’t- you couldn’t turn around now. It was over. No turning back.

 

 

When you walked into your flat you fell onto your knees, your long overdue sobs freely breaking the silence of the room. It hurt. To an extent of feeling like you were having a panic attack. You were shaking as you tried to catch your breath, hoping and praying the pain goes away. You held onto your mask for too long and now that it was finally off, you felt strange knowing you’re done pretending. You would never again have to fake a smile towards Kai and tell him you were fine when you weren’t. You were free to be who you really were but the problem was, you didn’t know who you were anymore. Kai stayed too long that you forgot how to live without him. You weren’t lost until he found you and now you looked around, everything seeming distant and unfamiliar. You felt like your body wasn’t your own any longer. You stood up, walking into the kitchen to make some tea, trying to ignore the last two words Kai directed toward you. You didn’t want him to be sorry, you wanted him to need you just as much as you needed him. You sighed and told yourself that the world simply wasn’t a wish granting factory The world was a depressing place full of pain and you were getting your fair share, apparently. 

You were sipping your tea when a loud knocking sound came from the front door. You cursed remembering you forgot to tell Chanyeol you were leaving. Your feet slowly dragged across the floor, feeling numb, even the pain seeming just about bearable. You sighed opening the door about to tell off Chanyeol for banging on the door so loudly but you chocked on your words when you saw Kai at your door, bloodshot eyes, wet hair from the rain sticking out in weird places, his eyes looking at you as if the check that you were really there. The ache began bubbling inside of your chest, your lips parted examining the state Kai was in. You wanted to let him in but your body jerked forward, pushing the door in his face but it seemed he expected that since he blocked the door with his foot an exhausted sigh leaving his parted dry lips. 

“Please, let me in.” He begged, his eyes glazed over, his body shivering from the cold. It made your eyes soften as you opened the door but didn’t let him in. You can’t let your guard down after he knew how much he meant to you. 

“I said everything I needed to say, you should go back to Mel-” 

“I broke it off with her. It’s over.” 

His words made you gasp and shake your head in disbelief. Why would he even think about ending it with someone like Mel? 

“Why would you do something so stupid K-”

“Because of you, damn it! It’s you!” His voice came out loud but broken as you shook your head telling him to stop saying things he knows he doesn’t mean. You were about to push the door again but he kicked it open, walking inside then slamming it shut before looking over at you. You flinched away, his eyes softening at your reaction as he walked towards you slowly. 

“No! You will hear me out and then you can throw me out if that’s what you decide to do. Just let m say this before you slam the door in my face again.” He looked desperate so you kept quiet, looking away from him unable to look at him for long, the look in his eyes making you weaker.

“I messed up, big time. I never realised I was hurting you, I thought that was what you wanted. No strings attached and Mel is your best friend. I- I don’t know how to put my thoughts into a coherent sentence, damn it I- I broke it off with her because of you, (Y/N). It isn’t your body the only thing I want. Maybe it was at the beginning but that changed the second I heard your laugh. I should’ve admitted it to myself first and foremost, but I didn’t. I had a stable relationship, something safe and that was Mel. I never thought you had feelings for me so I never admitted it because if I had done that I would risk your rejection and I’d lose Mel. I was scared. I’m still scared. Hell, I’m terrified that now that I admitted it to myself how I feel about you, that I’ll lose you.” 

Kai was crying by this point, his body shaken with sobs as he took your hands pulling you closer making you look at him. His words were something you always wanted to hear but now that they were said, you weren’t sure if you believed them. 

“Kai how can I trust you? You’re just saying this-”

“No, I’m not just saying this because I feel bad. I’m saying this because it’s the damn truth. Mel is amazing, she really is but you make me feel things I never knew I could feel. If I never met you, I would happily marry Mel, but I did meet you and now I’m here. I said no to an amazing girl that deserves love and I’m here risking everything, begging you to believe me when I say, I love you. I am desperately in love with you. Not just your body; you, (Y/N). I’ll say it a million times if that’ll make you believe these words but please- God, please believe them. I want you, all of you. I’m not going to lie and say that I can’t live without you because I can. I can live without you, (Y/N). I just don’t want to because a life without you wouldn’t be worth living.” 

His words made you sob but you shook your head trying to stop yourself from forgiving him and just relaxing into him. He saw your gestures which made him panic and before you knew what was happening, Kai dropped to his knees, his arms going around your middle, his tear-stained face nuzzling into your stomach while he sobbed loudly, each painful sound breaking you down the middle a little bit more. He held you tightly afraid you’d run away from him, his voice hoarse from all the crying making him sound weak and vulnerable. 

“No, please don’t shake your head. (Y/N) no I- I’m so sorry. I know I deserve to hurt like you do but p-please don’t l-leave me. I’ll do anything t-to fix t-this. I don’t need anyone else, just tell me you don’t h-hate me. Give me a c-chance to m-make it up.” 

Those words made your knees give in as you fell in front of Kai, your face the same level as his. Without much thought, you hugged him tightly and the both of us just cried. You didn’t know for how long and neither of you seemed to care as you held each other, all the pain seeping into the silence of the hallway. His hands were shaking but his grip was still tight around you making you cry even harder finally letting all the pain out. After what seemed like an eternity you pulled away the slightest bit locking your eyes with him, seeing his puffy yes look back at you expectantly. Waiting for you to curse him out or slap him but you did nither. You put your hand on his cheek, brushing the tears away feeling him lean into your touch, closing his eyes as he hiccuped trying to calm down his sobs.You did the same, leaning your forehead against his, sighing and feeling the pain subsiding slightly. 

“I love you too, Kai.” Your voice came out as a whisper but he heard you, his hands squeezing your waist tighter, his eyes still closed, afraid that if he opens them, you’ll be gone. He wasted no time as he leaned in, slightly unsure searching your eyes as if to ask if he could kiss you. You knew that this would be the step that would trap you into Kai again but you learned in capturing his lips in yours, feeling the tears mixing in with the taste of the kiss making it bittersweet yet the most sincere kiss you ever had with Kai. You kissed until you needed air, pulling away slightly, your lips still touching his. 

“Can we please s-start over? At least try to?” You contemplated his question before you wiped your tears away and pulled away from him completely, standing up waiting for him to do the same. When he did, you locked eyes with him and extended your arm as if you were about to shake his hand. He looked at you confused and you smiled at him, a real smile and sighed.

“I’m (Y/N). And you are?” 

You didn’t break eyes contact as you saw him smile back then look at your hand before taking it and shaking it, his smile getting bigger by the second. You squeezed his hand smiling as your heart fluttered in your chest in a positive way after a long time. 

“I’m Kai, it’s nice to meet you, (Y/N). Would you like to get coffee with me? I’d like to get to know you.” 

His words made you chuckle but you ent along with it nodding your head and smiling at him seeing his eyes sparkle, his cheeks slightly flushed. 

“I wouldn’t want anything more.”

And so you went to get coffee at 6 in the morning, getting looks from people because of your puffy eyes but neither of you cared. You sat next to each other talking about things you never imagined Kai would talk to you about. It seemed too good to be true and maybe it was, but right now, at this moment in time, it was real and it was happening. That was all that mattered as you let go of the pain, risking it all again but this time around you knew he cared. 

Kai loved you and you didn’t know how long this love would last, but as long as it does, it will be worth it. Even if it ends up killing you in this end because right now, it’s the most spectacular feeling in this hell of a place we call Earth.


End file.
